December 26 - Beautiful Christmas

We had a lovely morning together and spent time building memories and new traditions. I have such fun and adorable kids!

December 25 - Beautiful Letdown

Tuesday was my very last visit with Dr. Shulman. All cancer-related care is complete. Now we move on to maintenance mode. Dr. Shulman warned of "lateral displacement" complications because of the pectoral muscle action (and mine are over-active). Translation: buy a WonderBra from hell or your tits will end of up your armpits. Fabulous.

I sort of expected more of the last visit... a hug? a card? Nope. Just "Any questions?" and "Good luck." Huh. Guess that's it.

December 22 - S N-E-1 N?

Translation: Is anyone in?

In an attempt to be current and communicate efficiently, I have been converted to web phone access and texting. And I'm addicted. However, it is a whole new language which can be confusing sometimes. Even with emoticons, feelings and tone aren't always well communicated in 140 character blurbs.

In thinking about this the other day, I realized that this abbreviated transmission isn't as new as I thought. I was raised on the C D B! and C D C? books by William Steig, which are full of letter/number combos, word play with simply charming line drawings. I guess I've used text lingo my whole life, now I get to apply it for more than just being silly.

I love language; I'm up for the challenge. X-L-N!

Book Review - When You've Been Wronged

This quick read (which I still managed to drag over 2 weeks) features a lot of Biblical examples of bitterness and forgiveness, which is great. However, it tends to use church-speak, which my brain automatically shuts out, so I had trouble finding a practical application for the information.

What I was looking for were practical action steps to speed up the whole getting over Scott thing, and what I got was a lot of "let go and let God". I already knew it was a bad idea to harbor bitterness, seek revenge, poison my soul, etc. Where I get stuck is when I still feel angry, hurt, betrayed, and mourn the loss of my love and my family.

The book says the ultimate goal is reconciliation; the best I can ever hope for is partial reconciliation because "trust and respect have been so seriously eroded that there cannot be any real in-depth friendship." Sad.

And apparently I will get there by (1) speaking words of blessing about Scott, (2) feeling the emotions he's experiencing (none?), and (3) acting in a way to promote harmony. Sounds tough, but I'm a tough girl, and the result will be worth it.

December 16 - Wow!

I'm not sure how we qualified for this blessing, but Skyler was chosen to participate in Edwardsburg schools Project Christmas. A few 1st graders got paired with high school honor students, bussed to Meier, and spent an afternoon shopping for their families.

With Bridget's skilled guidance, Skyler picked out numerous items for each of us, then got to go play at Chuck-E Cheese. (And let's face it, any time kids get to enjoy C-E-C without parents having to attend it's a fabulous thing!)

Then Bridget took everything home, wrapped and labelled it, and delivered bags of goodies to our door on Sunday, along with gift cards to a couple local stores. A happy Skyler, pretty packages, and absolutely no cost to me! In this financially tight time, when everything still feels a little off kilter in the family, I am so thankful for this fun blessing. And I can't wait to discover what Skyler picked for each of us come Christmas morning!

December 10 - Tattoo Yahoo

My seemingly never-ending repair process continued today. I wonder if Dr. Shulman is moving to Florida to bring some closure to these loooooong cases!

Mom went with me, photographed and everything. It was much less traumatic since I knew what to expect, and Mom was there to hold my hand during the Lidocaine shots.

I didn't even get woozy, although I'm a little sore all across my chest now. Any kind of trauma and my chest muscles repeatedly spasm for the next 24 hours. Annoying! Valium helps the spasms but makes me less responsive to midnight child calls. I'll try to hold off for now...

December 10 - Totalled

This brief account of my auto adventures is for posterity - and to assure everyone that the family is physically safe. Unfortunately, I do not have anyone professional vouching for my sanity or driving skills at this point.

During a momentary distraction (I was moving my purse off my lap), I rammed into the back end of a stopped Honda on my way into work Monday. It's not my regularly scheduled day, so I was sauntering in to help out... till I waylaid myself. The Honda exploded but was drivable; the Volvo scrunched and was not.

After getting it towed to 3 places, I found out the damage was too extensive to be worth repairing. The great news: I have full insurance coverage and State Farm is efficient and helpful.

The yucky news: I have to buy a new car PRONTO! I detest shopping, cars, salesmen, haggling, spending money, paperwork... pretty much everything involved.

The stupid news: I can't find the title anywhere; getting a new one will delay the process by about a week.

The even stupider news: I just spent $250 on brand new tires 2 weeks ago when I had to be towed after the tire shredded on the toll road at midnight in a snowstorm.

Come on... it's so ridiculous you gotta laugh!

This is me trying to find the funniness in life.

December 7 - Directions

I always look at recipes more as general guidelines. I shade and smudge every drawing rather than outlining bold strokes. I detest being micro-managed. And I can't fold anything properly with matching corners.

The challenge is that "approximately" or "doing it my way" sometimes doesn't quite achieve the results I intend. Sigh... At least I'm striving for self-awareness.

Failed attempt to make pumpkin bread in pretty Pampered Chef tubes... Sigh...

December 4 - Mini-Joys

Naomi: butter (it's genetic), sparkly and shiny angels, blowing out candles, pretty sweaters

Skyler: Jesus' birthday (brown-noser), staying up late, playing in the snow, icicles, Mommy's Playmobile

Seth: reading in bed, cookie dough, presents! shopping!! & traditions

Mel: white fairy lights, dark chocolate holiday M&Ms (somebody stop me!), long-handled tea-spoons, going to bed early

December 1 - Decorating Details

Due to serious lack of sleep and repeated pleading from the children, the Christmas decorations finally got dragged out of the basement with much sighing from me. That's about as far as I got before falling asleep on the couch. Then the little fairies got busy, built the tree-in-a-box, and spread the decor generally around the living room. Normally this would make me break out in hives, because things don't necessarily match and the handmade preschool ornaments are not the color scheme I prefer. I admit I got a little snippy a couple times, but they were so excited and patient with me, who could stay annoyed? And they made a great team with pretty awesome results! I'm so proud!

November 28 - Life Lessons

Todays Topic: Patience

Here's the story: I was running low on sleep due to travels and tire tragedies on the toll road the previous day. On Wednesday morning I was hoping to run out and see a couple patients while the kids were in school for a few hours before the Thanksgiving holiday started. Patient #1 expected me at 8AM.

Then we all overslept, the kids missed the bus, so it was rush, rush just to get everyone fed and sort-of matching. Shoes disappear, no one wants to wear a coat, someone can't find xyz. Aaargh!Finally get everyone in the car - I think - but I have to back out of the garage, go back in the house to close the door because the door opener isn't working. Frustrated, kids whining about seat belts, I cruised backwards... to the sound of fantastic crunching! I looked back and Skyler's passenger door was bent backwards almost ripped off the hinges. Oh. My.

It took about 5 minutes of maneuvering to get the car out of the garage because the door wouldn't close and the cabinet I hit was in shards all over. I drove about 20mph with Skyler holding the door at a 45 degree angle to drop them at school, then nursed the car over to the mechanic.

I think I provide entertainment value for Peterson European Automotive. After 20 minutes of banging, both passenger doors are mostly functional, and they didn't even charge me. I nearly burst into tears and hugged the mechanic. He didn't charge me because "you're in here often enough anyway." Is that a blessing or a joke?

After that, the day was back on track. One of my cheaper lessons I guess. In my frame of mind, it could easily have been Skyler's arm that got ripped off and not just the steel Volvo door. Wow. I am so thankful God is still teaching me lessons. Feel free to remind me.

November 26 - Vacation?

This is what I wrote on Saturday:

This weekend I got to spend Early Thanksgiving out in southern California with my mom & sister and lots of family. I've always considered this area "my roots" since my parents were raised here and it's been a vacation destination all my life. Fantastic food, gorgeous weather, great conversation. Why don’t I live out here again? Seriously considering a change of scenery…

This is how I feel today:

I am SO GLAD to be home!!! Sparing everyone the emotional roller coaster of the last 7 days, suffice it to say that while California now holds all my family, as well as many phenomenal natural attractions, I really like Michigan. I want to raise my children where I feel at home. I get to surround my little foursome with an extended family of incredible friends. Isn't that great?!

November 24 - Applesauce Adventures

An annual event since my childhood has been canning applesauce from scratch. Now that I'm the "grown-up in charge", it has become a kind of adventure that the kids actually request for months in advance. Which is pretty cool.

First we go to the farmer’s market and pick out a bushel each of golden and red apples. After they mellow for a few weeks, becoming soft and sweet, the process begins. The kids’ favorite is running the applesauce mill handed down from my parents. Scooping steaming apple quarters into the machine, squashing them through and turning the crank is sloppy and sticky and always fun. They were pretty good at taking turns this year, but the negotiations were fierce and Seth is the master at getting what he really wants.

Some fun facts:

- 2 bushels of fresh apples makes about 10 quarts of applesauce

- It takes about 4 hours

- Apples oxidize quickly, turning brown then black, so timing is important

- The fingers and nails on my right hand are still stained black a week later

I’m glad to be following through some traditions passed on by my parents and cherish that my children enjoy the experience and flavor of something homemade with love. I hope they remember the value of time together creating memories and food.

November 22 - Digital Limits

I'm on vacation in southern California with my family and having a fantastic time. Escape to Cali has always meant sunshine, games and hikes and great food. My extended family is based here, so I've been vacationing this direction my whole life. I'm staying at my mom and step-dad's condo in Borrego Springs for a couple days, and my sister and aunts are also visiting.

I was hoping to spend some time catching up on my writing and blogs since real life at home has made spare time scarce in the last month. However, my mother is living in the dark ages, and I'm lucky to have a dial-up connection to the internet, which I'm only allowed to use for an hour today. No photo link capability, no email access and tortoise speed. Ugh!

Guess I'll have to get back to the quality conversation time and enjoying nature, but I'm going through withdrawals!

November 21 - Checked Off

Went back to see Dr. Shulman for a checkup on Tuesday and realized I’ve been making that drive to the hospital every week or two for almost a year an a half! (Doris, the parking attendant, & I are on good terms.) As annoying as it has been to fit that into my schedule and deal with health and body-image issues, I liked the security of knowing my doctor was there for me. I still feel like she is rushing the tattoo process so she can “check me off” before she moves to Florida next month.

Unfortunately, her business partner is not someone I am happy to transition care to either, so I will have to look elsewhere (and probably out of network) for any further procedures.
Nipple reconstruction surgery may be an option down the road as the scar tissue loosens up and I get older and saggier. I hear it’s also common to need ink re-applied or surgical lifts done.
The tattoos are healing nicely, but the color didn’t take completely, so I’m scheduled for follow up shading and conturing December 10. With mixed feelings, I guess I’m hoping that will be the last trip I have to make through the parking garage to the 5th floor office that has changed my body shape (mostly for the better!) forever.

November 19 - Early SNOW!

Wow! Good thing I love snowy winter, because it's early this year!

Why snow is cool and not just cold:

- it makes the world brighter as it reflects light, lifting my spirits and lowering energy bills

- it covers the yucky brown dead stuff

- it's fun to pack, toss and make designs in

- it makes great slushies with 100% grape juice (I know it's not sanitary, but figure my odds are ok since it only happens a few times a year.)

- it's a great excuse to snuggle in a blanket with hot cocoa

- it inspires my kids to play outside again... sledding anyone?

November 15 - Naomi Is A Treasure

Naomi: Boys are strong and girls are weak, even though they’re beautiful. (gotta work on strong woman concept apparently.)

A girlfriend over to play (Natalie): I'm BORED!

Naomi: We don't DO bored. My daddy said.

(Yes! The teaching is working.)

Naomi: I will always be your baby, even when I'm a grandma, and you will always be my sweetie mommy. (Awwww! I'm melting...)

DVD Review - The Diving Bell & the Butterfly

I've had this DVD from Netflix since mid-September, and while I thought it sounded interesting and came highly recommended, I was worried it would be depressing. I have enough depressing in real life and don't need more as entertainment. However, last night I took the time with a friend to give it a try. Wow.

This adapted autobiography of Jean-Dominique Bauby, author and Elle magazine editor, was stunning. In 1995, he suffered a stroke that put him in a coma, and he awoke mute and completely paralyzed except for one eye. Through extensive rehab he developed a tedious communication method of blinking and dictated this moving story as he re-evaluated his life, his loved ones and his outlook on the future. The perspective starts completely internally and broadens throughout the film; visually and emotionally poignant. Highly recommended.

November 11 - Skin Healing

Turns out the orangy pancake-makeup stuff was dead skin. It's pretty much all peeled off now, which means the tats are paler and blend right in to the fading yellow bruises.

Feedback so far has been very positive, except for Seth, who wants to know why I didn't go with something more creative like yellow smiley faces.

My favorite comment was when someone looked at a picture and said it made him want to reach out and tweak something. Odd what one finds flattering, huh?

November 8 - Tattoo Follow Up

The whiny stuff:
- prickly hurt for a couple days
- bled through the dressings that have to be changed daily
- I'm still traumatized from last time I had to do the regular goop and gauze routine
- looking down, the right side looks bigger than the left
- the color is really weird, like someone put on orangy pancake makeup

The "this might end up ok" stuff:
- my chest doesn't seem to be uncomfortable this morning
- the bleeding finally stopped
- just looked at the photos taken during the process and the symmetry and color actually look ok (my perspective must be a little off)

My aunt, who had breast cancer in her 30s and is a psychologist, says I am still grieving the loss of a body part that was essential to my femininity. Now that the serious stuff is over, I feel more melancholy than a year ago when I was in the thick of it all. I'm thankful to be alive and healthy. I am still sad and depressed sometimes. Hmmm... I wonder if sharing my new "normal" body appearance with a bunch of affirming friends would be helpful... ;)

November 5 - I Got Tattoos!

Once again: WARNING! Graphic content (sorry Tree)

Today was the day for the next step. For anyone who has a tattoo, you know the details, but since I've never really even wanted one, I will describe my experience. And no, this is not the design I went with, but I think it's pretty cool and way better than the prosthetics from my previous nipple post. Dr. Shulman said maybe as a second step...

Anyway, here's how it works: the doctor started with loosening up the scar by pinching it, then sketched on the skin with her infamous purple marker. She likes to eyeball it first, then measures - I think distance from my collar bone to the center of the breast (or scar in my case). Then she traced around the clear plastic tattoo color holder thingy because she said it was a pretty good average size circle for an aerola. Oooo-K.

Next: 15-20 tiny injections of local lidocaine into each breast, kind of like being attacked by a swarm of bumblebees who occasionally hit a nerve you can feel all the way into your armpit. I was wishing I had someone's hand to squeeze, but the doctors hands were kind of busy.

Finally: down to business. I couldn't look down and watch, so I have no idea what actually happened. She kept dipping the tattoo gun into different thimbles of color and basically drawing fake nipples on me. It mostly just felt like pressure and I could feel her artistic touch as she worked on the shading. Then she slapped on some antibiotic ointment, covered them with giant bandaids and said "See ya in two weeks!".

She actually was really chatty and fun this time around. She spent the full 45 minutes selling me on the idea of moving to California (where all my family is now) and going to medical school (which I've always wanted to do). She was pretty convincing... stay tuned.

November 3 - Birthday Lessons

In two days my son will turn 6! We celebrated early this weekend with a bowling party since Scott was in town. While I don't love shelling out cash for a "theme party", the peace of having everything handled from invitations to food and clean-up is probably worth it. The facility was nice and we had our own party assistant for 2 hours. I think adults and kids alike had a good time together.

Skyler scored bigtime with birthday money and gifts, which is a big deal when you're a kid of course. However, his attitude really warmed my heart. As soon as his older brother started listing off the expensive things Skyler could buy, he said "Stupid people spend their money as soon as they get it" (from Proverbs!) and handed it over to me for safe keeping. How cool is that?! I'm so proud!

November 2 - Halloween Memories

You know how people tell you the first holidays in your new family situation (i.e. widowed, divorced, re-married) are tough? They weren't kidding. Why, oh why do I set myself up with such high expectations?!

Halloween is my favorite holiday because I love the cool weather and baking and candy and pumpkins and snuggling and fall colors and friendly neighbors and of course costumes. After years of Christmas not quite hitting the mark, Halloween has become a BIG DEAL to me. So I had a packed agenda Friday, half of which didn't happen, causing me to spend 1/2 an hour curled up in the fetal position bawling on my bed. Not productive, but did relieve some stress and make my eyes look appropriately scary for trick-or-treating later.

After some arguing and stomping around (kids and me), and having to call Scott in for backup, the kids agreed to go trick-or-treating and visit my friend Ame's amazing party with me. The weather was stunning, the neighborhood was friendly and I think once we started everyone had a good time.

Next year will be even better. I will (1) have costumes completed ahead of time, (2) not bake on Halloween, (3) schedule only ONE fun family thing to do and spend the rest of the time grinning and screeching happy "BOO!"s at people.

Hope everyone else's holiday was amazing!

Book Review - How to be Cool

Fluff reading in a conversational, funny style. Through the heroine's obsessing over weight loss and helping others, she shared some great tips on self-esteem. And I actually finished a book only 1 week past the library deadline. Yay!

October 27 - Kids Speed Recovery

Been a little slow on the blogging front because I've been fighting off a horrid illness. Over the course of the last week I've been running a fever between 99 and 103.5 degrees nearly every day. This was associated with deep body aches and a desire to sleep till 2009.

At first the kids were less than understanding. I mean, it's not like I'm bleeding or sneezing or anything. However, by Thursday, when symptoms were at their worst, my friend Ame came over and informed them of all the potential complications of a high fever, like seizures and hallucinations and death. They were much more sympathetic and helpful after that.

Seth did a fantastic job of running interference between the other two and making me take Tylenol on a regular basis. He was very thoughtful and checked on me frequently when all I could do was lie in one spot.

Amazingly, no one else seems to be ill at all. Thank God! I'm medicated and on the mend now, but still lightheaded and nauseous a lot. I really missed my "Mommy Immunity" free pass on this one!

October 22 - Nipple Woes

FAIR WARNING: Graphic content.

Yesterday morning I had the follow up with Dr. Shulman for scar checks and a decision on the next step. I was all prepared to schedule the last surgery to create nipple buds and figured we could wrap this process up. I was ready to enjoy my new normal: bigger, symmetrical breasts and realistic looking and feeling (from the outside anyway) nipples. No such luck.

She informed me that my skin is too elastic and tight and the risk of non-healing isn't worth going through the next procedure. Boo Hoo! She also told me she is moving her practice to Sarasota, Florida at the end of the year. She said that over time (like years) my skin will probably loosen up and I could visit Florida for follow up procedures. (Side note: two kind friends have already offered to take the trip with me :-D)

Probably because I'm sick (fever 102 degrees) and feeling a little emotionally fragile from an over-busy weekend and interactions (none bad) with Scott, this sent me off the deep end. I just want to feel sexy and normal! Why is my body rejecting me? Why can't my life take one easy turn?!

And before any really helpful people write or call to tell me how lucky I am to be alive and enjoy my fantastic children and blah, blah, blah. I know. I don't need to look on the bright side all the time. Today I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself. I'll perk up tomorrow when the antibiotics kick in.

October 20 - Fun Stuff

I LOVE this time of year! Sunny days, cool snuggly evenings, pretty pumpkins, apple pies and Halloween fun!

Friday night we crashed a local neighborhood Halloween party. Well, actually we were invited by my great friends Diane and Tom. This Edwardsburg subdivision is the area I hope to call home when we have to move next spring, so I've been taking the kids over and pretending we already live there. We take evening walks and introduce ourselves to the neighbors.

The shindig on Friday included a hay ride, sack races, cute crafts, candy, decorate-your-own caramel apples and great costumes and social time. Even Seth, who didn't want to go play with the little kids or dress up, seemed to enjoy himself. We had so much fun the kids ended up having an impromptu sleepover when they fell asleep watching Indiana Jones.

I am so blessed to have kind friends to enjoy this season with me and my family!

October 16 - Required Re-learning

With my flexible schedule and awesome job, I have the opportunity to help out in each of the kids' classrooms on a weekly basis. I have decided it's a little bit of a mission outreach and out of my comfort zone since I don't actually like children that much. However, the benefits to being an integral part of their school lives, friends and learning are HUGE!

All that as an introduction to my real rant. Recently I have had the opportunity to get to know many new people, and a few generalizations are disturbing. Do you know how many adults in their 30s and 40s aren't even registered to vote? Do you know how many haven't picked up a book in years? Do you know how many are just figuring out the whole info superhighway thing and have spent the last decade mostly drifting through life figuring the perfect person will make them happy?! Ugh!

I think it should be mandatory that every 5 years or so we get sent back to grade school. There, the walls are plastered with helpful info that many adults seem to have forgotten.

- Tell the truth, then you won't have to remember the story.

- You only fail when you quit trying.

- Learning is a daily process.

- Helping someone else smile will make both of your days brighter.

- Treat others with the respect you desire.

You know, the basics. Maybe every now and then we could just walk the halls together and follow the line leader and keep our hands to ourselves. I think this just might solve some of the world's woes.

October 15 - Pumpkin Patch

Sunday was a stunning and unseasonably (84 degrees!) warm day. The kids and I took advantage of the opportunity to trek north to Jollay Orchards for apple picking, hay rides, a sorghum maze and general fall frolicking activities.

The pumpkins were slim on selection and pricey, so we headed back south to complete our adventure. The patch off of Douglas road had a fantastic collection including all the Martha Stuart suggestions like Cinderella pumpkins and gruesome gourds.

It was a long day, with sunburn and skeeter bites, but I think the photos speak well of a memorable experience.

Wild Woman Tribute - Grammy

Anna P. Johnson is actually Scott's paternal grandmother, but I've called her Grammy since I met her almost 16 years ago. Recently she was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer and she is now under hospice care. She has helped us in many ways, and I want to honor her while she is still with us.
Grammy has seen a lot of joy and pain over her 91+ years, raising 3 children (often without help), working as an elementary teacher and elder caregiver, and being an active member of her church. She loves kids and has guided 3 generations in her own special way. She has a strong faith and likes to help others. Grammy has a ready smile and has kept the same portable "hairstyle" for over 30 years. She is a collector and shopper, and has given dozens of small children happy memories from her toy chest.

She is fiercely independent, and has taken care of herself and others most of her life. Although her health is declining, she continues to be a blessing and hasn't lost her smile despite the pain she is suffering. She is a strong woman and I have been privileged to be part of her family.

Book Review - SheetzuCacaPoopoo

"My Kind of Dog"

Normally I don't review children's books, and on principle I refuse to be a fan if the author is already famous for something else. (Except for Jami Lee Curtis, who is super-cool and can do no wrong.)

However, I really liked this gem from our last library run and wanted to share the love. It's about the melting pot of real life and great community values, through cute dogs' eyes. Plus you can put on your best character voices to bring the gutsy Chihua-poo and demure Afghanoodle and friendly SheetzuCacaPoopoo to life for everyone's enjoyment.

October 8 - Girly Weekend

I feel like I've been out of the blogging loop for a while and I've missed it! Life seems to rush by without time for me to assemble my thoughts. Today I have to sit with my foot wrapped and elevated, waiting for the swelling to go down so I can figure out if it's broken or just sprained. While this puts a serious crimp in my active lifestyle, it will give me time to take a step back and catch up online. Just keeping up with email, facebook, twitter and bloglines is like a part-time job (which I love)!

I want to take a moment to be thankful for my girlfriends, who put up with my whining and relational drama while helping keep me focused on what is important. Last weekend was a fantastic example. Scott had the kids most of the week and through the weekend. This should be freeing and productive time, but I tend to get mopey and need help to keep from sinking into depression.

Friends to the rescue! Friday night my girls' book club came over and we shared yummy Mexican-themed food and conversation. Saturday morning started early with a shopping trip with Diane, Skyler's best friend's mom. While out I got a text reminder to meet my friends Arin & Summer for lunch at Olive Garden. Yum! While there I got a call to meet Kem, Jami & Lindsay for a girly movie that afternoon. After that I finally ran home to shower and let the dog out, just in time to exchange messages with Tina and Lara and Natalie, then head over to Ame's house for dinner and drinks. All very casual, all spur of the moment. How cool is that?! I have the best friends ever!!! Thanks girls!

Book Review - The Boy in the Striped Pajamas

A quick read on a troubling topic, this story follows a year in the life of a 9 year-old boy, Bruno. This historical political commentary is written from his naive perspective, but is really not a book for children. I would recommend it, but would want you to have someone to talk to about it when you finish. It was great for our book club!

October 6 - Size Wise

I will preface this post with the fact that it will involve a bit of bragging, and I know none of you will feel sorry for me. Still.

Here's the issue: I lost a fair bit of weight through the changes and surgeries in the last 6 months and now NONE of my clothes fit. I officially hate everything I own. Actually, the summery shirts are ok, but now that we have frost warnings at night I have nothing. And it's not like I have a clothes budget or anything. I went to 3 Goodwill stores for 50% off this weekend and only ended up with jeans. That's it. My entire lower half wardrobe.

I'm like my skinny kids, doubling up belts and holding my pants up everywhere I go like a "homey". The nurses at work follow behind me and gather up everything. Embarrassing!

There are a lot worse things to deal with, but facing daily wardrobe issues really puts a crimp in my appearance self-esteem. Oh well. For now I'll dream of hip clothes that stay on, and pray God guides me to the best place to pick up hand-me-downs.

September 30 - Single Advantage

Tuesday was a quiet evening, and the kids were all staying with their dad up in Cassopolis. So I got to thinking about a few of the good things in the situation.

- I can wear frumpy flannel jammies and knee socks on a cold rainy night and not even worry about being un-sexy or stand-offish.

- I can sleep diagonal in my bed (although I still pretty much stick to one side).

- I can share a single carton of ice cream with all three kids because we like the same flavors, and it will still last at least a week. That's some savings!

- I can set the temperature at whatever makes me comfortable and adjust the kids' clothing accordingly. More blankets anyone?

Nothing worth giving up a marriage for, but I'm thankful for the little things.

September 28 - Seasons Change

I know the first official day of fall was last Monday, but I was still taken by surprise at all the changes outside today. I got to spend several hours this afternoon paddling around the lake-channel systems in Edwardsburg. The water is cool and still teeming with life, but the sunlight slants a little more and the leaves are flashing sunburnt red and gold hues.



Wow. Interesting to note how God paints seasonal change with its own unique beauty. This is easier to see in my own life as the pain lessens and I turn my feet in a new direction. Today I'm looking forward to many new seasons...

September 27 - Betrayal Continues

What's up with things you count on giving out? Disappointment and change are a part of life, I guess. The whole husband leaving me thing aside, what I'm upset about today is as trivial as coffee.

I LOVE coffee! Home-ground vanilla macadamia nut or vanilla spice with half and half are a little bit of heaven, but even cheap gas station refills perk up my mood. It's my substance of choice. It gives me energy and makes everything about life seem happier.

But apparently the message didn't get through to my insides. I've been drinking less lately, with the warm weather and trying to cut calories. This morning was a fantastic day to sit out on the deck and sip a mug full, watching the sun rise over the lake.

However, it just wasn't worth the pounding migraine and nausea. One less easy fix in life. Bummer.

Wild Woman Tribute - Ame

I first discovered Ame working in data entry at Memorial Home Care, when she sat in the desk behind me and could answer all my repetitive questions about which paper goes where. I have grown to love her as a close friend in the three years since then.

She has wild, spiky hair and fantastic fashion sense. She is absolutely loyal to what she cares about, with sharp criticism for what doesn't seem right to her. She is an organization and home improvement queen, with more skills than I could ever develop. She always has a project in the works and is known for her knitting and crafty flip-flops.

We share a love for Halloween and non-traditional adventures. Her family sets up the most elaborate display, complete with animated coffins and spewing monsters.

She is fun to be around and has a true heart. She takes care of me in many ways, and I am blessed to count her as a friend. Thanks Ame!