June 30 - Learning

Things I don't want to do anymore:

- Love conditionally. I tend to withdraw when I’m displeased or upset by a behavior or situation. This is not healthy; it violates the law of respecting other’s boundaries. It sets up fear in others and removes security. I never meant this result, or that I didn’t actually love (Scott, the kids, my dad). I just didn’t know how to process things I didn’t like.

- Push down feelings “out of respect” for others. I'm learning to evaluate what a particular emotion, especially sadness, anger or fear, stems from. I choose to express the emotion in the moment, without punishing others or becoming passive-aggressive. I will own my feelings. Then I aim move on.

- Compromise my values for the sake of someone else’s feelings. Because at the end of it all, I want to stand tall with integrity.

Because relationships are precious...

Book Review - Succulent Wild Woman

A gift from my girlfriends at work, this book was challenging, affirming and sometimes a little off the wall.

Sark gives personal insight in living a fuller life. She backs it up with lots of resources for enrichment in all arenas (think creativity, spirituality, sexuality, healing, relationships and personal economy).

My favorite part came towards the end, when the author took several pages to describe "succulent wild women" in her life. I think we could all do a better job at recognizing the strengths of those around us. I'm considering adding this as a regular blog feature - stay tuned.

June 28 - Beach Break

Despite a fever, a funky eye and tonsils the size of testicles, I really enjoyed a few days break at the beach.

Mom and Charlie drove into town, packed the kids up in the RV, and took off for the shore last Monday. I had to work for a few days, but I joined the troops on Wednesday morning. We didn't really do much, but I was able to sleep for once. Mom and Charlie managed all the details: food, bug repellent, Nina-walking, scraped knees, climate control.

I had the opportunity to hug kids and soak up some summer sun in one of my favorite places: the Lake Michigan eastern shore. I would highly recommend it!

June 27 - Bleachh!

Have you ever cried so hard your eyes feel like they've turned inside out? Monday was one of those days. I sobbed between every single patient visit, all afternoon, and half the night, which is really inconvenient to regular life.

On Tuesday a bright cheery co-worker asked, "What happened to your eye? Are you ok?" By then the hormones had toned down a bit, so I just sniffled something about burst blood vessels.

Then by Wednesday, the swelling would not go down, despite cucumber masks and anti-histamines and rest.

Today I finally went to the doctor. Turns out crying can make your eyes fall out - if they get infected. Ew! I'm medicated and back home now; tomorrow I hope to be seeing clearer again.

DVD Review - Dan in Real Life

This isn't a real "review", just a quick opinion. I enjoyed the complicated grown-up love story, because real life is complex. My two favorite lines, however, were offered up by the sappy lovestruck teens:

"Love isn't a feeling, it's an ability." - teen boy to his girlfriend's father
"YOU ARE A MURDERER OF LOVE!" - screamed by above girlfriend when the boyfriend is not allowed to stay through family vacation

I thought it was funny.

June 22 - Because this is about me

So, since Scott doesn't read my blog because "it doesn't make me feel good" and my no-longer-friend probably won't read it because she can't bear my blatant selfish-ness and obvious child abuse, I can be free to write about me!

This is a place I process my thoughts and record my experiences. My life is a pretty open book. If you choose to spend a few minutes reading along and following my journey, great! I welcome constructive input.

Just a warning, it may be a bumpy ride. And, while many other wonderful characters weave in and out of the tale, I will always be in my own story.

Audio Book Review - Holy Fools

This twisted tale by Joanne Harris pulled me in from the start. Set in seventeenth century France, it is about a circus performer who joins a convent when she is betrayed by her company and discovers she is pregnant. The story follows her point of view, as well as that of the betrayer and lover, LeMerle, when they meet again under suspicious circumstances at the convent five years later. The characters are rich and the setting is intriguing, which makes the frequent shifts in narrator more tolerable. If you enjoy mysteries and fiction, especially in a historical setting, this one is worth noting.

June 18 - Part II

Then I had an evening out with Kem. It ended up being just the two of us, so she introduced me to a fantastic Thai Food hole-in-the-wall. Then we drove around in search of the perfect dessert.

Stopped by Indulgence - closed. Walked into Villa Macri - disorganized and loud and no cheesecake. Finally thought we'd try Ruth's Chris, although we were probably underdressed in capris and t-shirts.

However, that was an interesting experience from the moment we angled through the door. We were greeted by sharp-dressed people who actually made eye-contact. We were catered to and led out to the patio by the crystal fire pit. We were seated alongside a table of 4 out-of-town salesmen and a group of local doctors with accents.

Kem ordered the Chocolate Explosion - and yes, it deserves capitalization. I savored my chocolate mousse cake made for 4! Somewhere between ordering and delivery, Kem texted me, "Dude straight across keeps staring at us did u notice?"

Totally joking, I texted back "No. But we R hot." Conversation continued normally.

About halfway through the yumminess, the businessy guys across from us asked what we ordered, and if they could try some. ?! When Kem said sure, but you'll have to come get it, two of them actually did! And they used our silverware! And they took a few moments to get the full flavor of each sweet and offer their comments (they preferred the Explosion)! At this point, I was trying not to dissolve into giggles, and Kem's eyes were about twice normal size. "OMW! He actually used my spoon!"

Another cup of coffee later, and one of the guys turned around and offered to buy a round, since he ate our dessert and felt bad. He ended up leaving $20 on the table, which pretty much covered our bill. It gave me an interesting birthday memory, as I headed back to real life, where the service isn't always 5 star and often nobody notices when I walk by.

June 18 - Was My Birthday

And I had a very busy day. Our agenda included: get watch batteries, buy water softener salt, cash birthday checks, drop off extra stuff at Goodwill, figure out kids' bank accounts, take in old jewelry for assessment and go to the zoo. I actually had to write in "smile and breathe" on my to-do list.

We had a great time at the Potawatomi Zoo. Locals scoff, but I think it's a perfect place for a quick run-around with small children and a fun, inexpensive snack.

June 17 - Me Me Mom

I have been accused on two fronts this week of being self-centered and selfish. I was told that if I was able to focus more on others' needs, this current mess wouldn't hurt so much. And I guess this blog is pretty much all about me. So... I'm taking a step back to evaluate the input and try to be appropriately better.

In the meantime, today's my mom's birthday. She is on her way here for a visit, and she is fabulous! Happy Birthday, Mom!

June 16 - Trials of a Big Girl Bedroom

So after tons of help from my dad and Ame, I actually have my own bedroom with a door for the first time in over 14 years. I felt some new boundaries needed to be set in the home, and I needed a place to store treasures that wouldn't be constantly invaded by curious fingers. So this should be great, right?
Here's the reality: I'm desperately lonely. I go to bed alone in my queen size room and remember what it used to feel like to be cradled or spooned. I imagine his arms around me and my head tucked under his chin. I can almost feel his breath in my hair as the tears begin. I obsess about all the things I could have or should have noticed and changed. I can't sleep. The clean white walls mock me.

After taking Benadryl and fitfully dozing off around 2AM, I remember the other reason I haven't had my own bedroom for years. Naomi wakes up screaming "No! No! No!" in terror pitch. With my heart in my throat, I run upstairs and gently rock her back to sleep, amazed the boys have slept through it all. This happens every night at least once.

Then the kids are up sometime between 5:30 and 6AM, every morning.

I'm exhausted.

June 13 - I Hope I Remember This

In a great post from my pastor last week, he basically says crap happens, respond well. Well actually he says, "life is fraught with unexpected encounters with bile and putrescence." I like that even better.

He notes it is good to remember what is important, to start with the heart. What happens to me isn't as important as what happens in me when something happens to me.

I try to keep in mind Romans 8:28 - "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, who are called according to His purpose." But I'm constantly fighting bitterness and hatred this week. Help!

June 11 - What is Love?

Scott and I were discussing our different views of the current situation last week. He says, "this is never what I wanted." Then I say, "so change it." This appears to baffle him; he doesn't buy that love is a decision.

He said to me, “if love is a choice, then you can choose not to love”. I think he was implying that I could choose not to love him and this would make everything easier, NOT that he had chosen not to love me. In general he was pointing out that it’s not easy and simple. Too true!

A friend also noted that sometimes we have to let go and just let God love someone. Our imperfect efforts may harm ourselves and the relationship we're trying to maintain. I'm not sure I'm smart enough to follow through well, but I hope I can learn and take healthy steps.

June 10 - Higher Math

Us minus Scott = stress and self-loathing = constant acne breakouts = confirmation of ugliness = this is stupid!

June 9 - This is Important

I want to be clear about a few things. Several of my loving friends and family have come to my immediate defense with righteous anger. I appreciate that. I feel angry a lot too. But I can’t live there.

I want everyone to know that I believe that Scott is a precious (if wayward) child of God. I believe he deserves that respect. I HATE the decisions he is making and how they make me feel and affect my life and family. But he is not an evil person.

Scott has many redeeming qualities. He is creative, has a great sense of humor, is physically active, attractive and fun. There is no one person I would rather have on my team (if he chooses to play the game). He is committed to his children.

God loves him exactly where he is right now, but I believe God designed the two of us to be together. God also gave us with free will. Scott is in a position to choose what he wants his life to look like and is taking steps to make that a reality. We all have that opportunity in ourselves. I struggle because my life picture includes him but he "can't ever see us together".

I understand that there is logistical stuff to work out. This is messy. We are in the process of separating financially. Regardless of the ultimate relational outcome, this piece is a growing experience that was necessary for both of us.

I am wired to be practical and task oriented. I will take baby steps to stand on my own two feet (or maybe on God’s toes sometimes). I don’t think Scott is out to get me or screw me up any worse than what has already been done. Some may think I’m being naïve; I’m just striving to be honest and true to my beliefs. I will stand tall. I will live without regrets. I will need your help, so thank you in advance. (-:

June 7 - Hell Hath No Fury...

...like a Woman Scorned.

My friend helped me come up with 2 tasks for the weekend since Scott is in town: (1) get the financial lowdown, (2) don't be a bitch.

Um... I think I failed miserably.

I just don't know how to behave through the haze of devastation, hurt, and fear. I want to honor God and my ideals, be strong and full of grace. I want my children protected and happy. I want to believe in happy endings and not burn any bridges.

Then his cold empty brown eyes turn on me, and I die inside. My resolve is gone. I lash out, turning into the mean girl he already sees. Damn it!

Movie Review - The Brave One

Watched this on DVD the other night, and really enjoyed it. Jodie Foster literally kicks ass. Interesting exploration of what law enforcement becomes accustomed to while dealing with tragic circumstances daily, and other moral dilemmas.

Book Review - A Marriage Without Regrets

I feel like I could have written a better review when I was half-way through the book. At that point I had a good sense of the value versus the annoying parts. Now the book ideas are all jumbled up with my personal emotional life, but I'll give it a shot.

The value: Strong Biblically-based points with my favorite parts being the value of the husband and wife and the unique ways we are wired by God to work together.

The annoying stuff: A little preachy, as if she has all the right answers. And I cringe at being called "Beloved". I mean, who talks like that unless they're over 50 and have been raised in church-world forever?

Verdict: definitely worth skimming, but I still think it takes two to make a marriage flourish without regrets.

June 4 - Random thoughts

Because my mind is more obsessive than usual lately:

"If you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill

"Love is not merely an emotion, it is a choice that requires action and will." - Kay Arthur

"Your best protection against the enemy is to live out in the open. Satan works in darkness. If you don't keep it hidden, then Satan has no where to work." -source uncertain

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick." -Proverbs 13:12

June 2 - Weekend Work

My dad came for a whirlwind 46 hour visit this past weekend, determined to get a whole list of things done.

We exchanged bittersweet relationship updates and got down to business making me a bedroom with a door for the first time in 14 years. Carpet removal, painting and cleaning are time consuming and sweaty chores, especially while you're managing 3 high energy kids at the same time. Of course, Skyler helped out with the power tools.

I'm really glad my dad came and shared his time and resources with us. Practical love in action! Thanks, Dad!

June 2 - Naomi's Wisdom

"It's a beautiful day outside today, but sometimes you can't tell if it will stay beautiful."

"Gracious means kind and wonderful."


"EEEEEK! I hate bugs!"

"We should play together."