June 16 - Trials of a Big Girl Bedroom

So after tons of help from my dad and Ame, I actually have my own bedroom with a door for the first time in over 14 years. I felt some new boundaries needed to be set in the home, and I needed a place to store treasures that wouldn't be constantly invaded by curious fingers. So this should be great, right?
Here's the reality: I'm desperately lonely. I go to bed alone in my queen size room and remember what it used to feel like to be cradled or spooned. I imagine his arms around me and my head tucked under his chin. I can almost feel his breath in my hair as the tears begin. I obsess about all the things I could have or should have noticed and changed. I can't sleep. The clean white walls mock me.

After taking Benadryl and fitfully dozing off around 2AM, I remember the other reason I haven't had my own bedroom for years. Naomi wakes up screaming "No! No! No!" in terror pitch. With my heart in my throat, I run upstairs and gently rock her back to sleep, amazed the boys have slept through it all. This happens every night at least once.

Then the kids are up sometime between 5:30 and 6AM, every morning.

I'm exhausted.