July 31 - Ye-a-ouch!

I followed up with Dr. Shulman today. After decreasing amounts of reddish-yellow stuff were dripping out of me, she decided to pull the drain tubes out. Oh. My. Word.

Fortunately she and Cathy, the awesome assistant office-manager everything person, have done this A LOT. They have a system down. About the time I thought I would scream, it was done.

Of course then I pretty nearly passed out.

How embarrassing! I had to spend 15 minutes reclined with cold compresses and sips of water to bring my head back into the land of the living. I have absolutely no control over this. One minute I'm conversing sanely, the next everyone sounds really really far away and my forehead is tingling, a moment before all is dark.

Anyway, spent the day on Percocet with my feet up, under strict instructions to "do not much of anything" for 2 days. I may get used to this...

July 30 - Blues Cure - Temporarily

I woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself. Maybe it was the ouchy drain tube or my hopeless dreams of Scott giving a damn or the empty beds in the kids' room, but it felt pretty pathetic. While considering sniveling in bed all day today, I had to get up and let the dog out.

It's a good thing I'm so responsible, or I may never get out of bed again! Anyway, here are some things that helped today:
- piles of fashion and celebrity gossip magazines (thanks Kem & Geneva!)
- fresh coffee (thanks Mom!)
- fresh juicy nectarines (thanks God!)
- a caring note from a friend on Facebook (thanks Kimmie!)

I will survive another day.

DVD Review - There Will Be Blood

Haunting images. Eerie annoying music. No relatable characters at all. I was bored...

July 29 - Dark Tunnels

Busy day and trying to stay off the prescription pain meds, like I'm some kind of hero or something I guess. As I write this at the end of the day, I'm in bed, fully medicated and ready for a floaty nap.

This evening Diane and Ame came from work to help change the dressings and check the wounds. Mom and I tried this on Sunday, but I started hyperventilating and mom wasn't sure what to do, so we waited for professional help. I'm pretty tough, and look at blood and guts for a living, so it frustrates me that this is so hard!

Diane says everything looks great, clean and minimal bruising. I'd describe what it looks like, but, um, I nearly fainted, so I have no idea. So embarrassing! It took constant physical assistance and deep breathing and cold clothes to keep me off the floor. You know when all the talking around you starts to sound really far away and tinny and your field of vision narrows, right before the best deep sleep and dreams of your life? Yeah, smelling salts are my friend. This is why I don't donate blood.

The good news is that I can empty my own drain, and the fluid is getting less. I hope the doctor will pull it out on Thursday. I'll keep you posted...

July 28 - T-Shirt Design

July 27 - I'm not complaining but...

Ow! I'm wrapped like a mummy from hips to pits and still sporting a fancy hemovac drain. My right hand is all puffy and bruised from the IV. My back is spasming from the flexed trunk positioning. I'm moving ok with the help of my snazzy ride, but don't have much stamina yet.


Still, it's pretty quiet and I miss the kids a lot. I can't help remembering the last surgery and how different my life looked then. I miss my husband. Too much thinking time! A whole week of this and I may go cuckoo!

July 26 - Early recovery stage

Surgery went well, just under 3 hours and a much better waking up experience. I was actually coherent and not in excruciating pain - bonus!


Hospitals are great high-tech places full of caring people. However, they are NOT restful. I had vital sign checks every hour until 10:30 PM, tubes stuck in, tubes pulled out and what I am sure is half the pharmacy supply of fancy drugs with even fancier, trippier drugs to combat the side effects of the first drugs. Wheeee!


Good thing I was a little loopy, because I had to call the nurse assistant about 25 times to shut off my bunk neighbor's screaming IV beeper. Poor lady. I think she was about 105 years old, refusing to eat or drink the entire time we shared a room. Kem and my mom stayed with me in shifts, and were sure the little centarian died at least twice yesterday.


So I'm glad to be home where it's quieter, and I can access Facebook and blog again. (-; It helps to be able to see straight, too. High doses of Benadryl made my eye muscles so lazy I couldn't even see to text properly. Sorry if any of you got completely incomprehensible messages from me! And no promises that I'll say anything understandable all week... I think I need to lie down.

July 24 - Real family

Yesterday was an eventful day, ranging from blueberry picking to a fancy celebratory lunch. I won't belabor all the details, because the purpose of this post is to thank my mom. She lives in southern California, but has been travelling around, avoiding the desert heat, for a few months with Charlie, my step-dad. We went camping with the kids in their RV at the end of June. Then they came back early last week to spend some fun time with the kids before Scott took Seth, Skyler and Naomi to visit him in Washington.

They have been helping with some household maintenance and financial planning (Charlie's a CPA) and generally keeping me from going off the deep end. Their quiet, loving and practical help has been vital to me in the last week.

As I head in to surgery first thing in the morning, totally freaked out and missing my life from last year, mom and Charlie will be here. They will bring me home from the hospital on Saturday. I'm blessed to have their help and love. Thank you both!

Book Review - The Girl With No Shadow

This follow-up to the bestseller-turned-movie, Chocolat, maintained the richness of characters with a twist of mystery that is typical of Joanne Harris novels. It took me a few chapters to figure out the distinct voices telling the story, but once I got the hang of it, I was in. I do enjoy a little magic, and the folktales were woven in throughout the book, pointing out how human interaction alone can be magical.

July 20 - Favorite Things

Some random things that make me happy:

- Vanilla Macadamia Nut coffee from Hawaii


- My pink phone with Internet access


- Watching the full moon rise over the lake in the backyard


- Soft dark chocolate


- Shiny bright pink toenails

- Annual passes to pretty much anything

- Novels about people that aren't too complicated

These are a few of my favorite things.

DVD Review - The Invasion +

Just ok. A few tense moments, but not really a thriller. Even the pretty people couldn't totally save the story line.

The "+" is because this review has an aside to it. In the movie an alien virus attacks, and everyone who is infected becomes "one with each other" but they have no individuality and no emotions. They look the same, sound the same, but there's an emptiness that is un-human. It got me wondering if Scott has been bitten by something sharp and evil (besides me, I'm not contagious). Or maybe he's from another planet. I will affectionately call it Scott-land, so don't get confused with European countries if I refer to it in the future.

July 19 - Huh?!

The edited version of how I feel about Scott right now: incredulous. I mean really. 15+ years of shared experiences and inside jokes. Making a decent living in a beautiful area with great family and friends. Openness to new communication and learning. Reasonably similar hopes and dreams... (I thought.)

This is "not enough" for him.

This "doesn't feel good."

This is not worth fighting for. Damn.

July 15 - Ugh! Surgery

Today was my pre-surgery consult with Dr. Shulman. Everything looks good, we're a go to trade these babies in on Friday morning, July 25.

I should be excited, but I'm freaked out. She started talking about position restrictions and drains and seromas (common complication of abnormal fluid build-up). Scary!

Maybe my problem is too much personal experience. I mean, the last time it hurt worse than anticipated, recovery dragged on forever, and then my life went to hell.

She said to plan on three weeks off. Sigh...

July 13 - Struggles with Faith

Faith is a personal undertaking, the realization that no matter what the situation, we are never alone. Faith is not wishing for things to turn out as we would like them to be. Faith is knowing that no matter how things turn out, we will stand strong through the winds of change and walk away gracefully. - B. L. Seaward in Stressed is Desserts Spelled Backward

(Humming) Just walk a-way-ay... - Kelly Clarkson

DVD Review - L4yer Cake

Smart. Twisty. Graphic but well-done. Nasty subject matter: European drug trade underworld. Love Daniel Craig: sexy seriousness and piercing blue eyes.

July 12 - Power Outage

Seriously. Everything that needs batteries in my home seemed to die at the same time. This may break my grocery budget this week!

Book Review - Crucial Conversations

Crucial Conversations - Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High
by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Greny, Ron McMillan, Al Switler


I think this one is actually worth owning, and I'm in major downsize/use the library mode. Here are a few of my take-aways:

How do people stay in dialogue well (when stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions run strong)?
- Remember that the only person you can control is yourself.
- When you find yourself moving toward silence (masking, avoiding, withdrawing) or violence (controlling, labeling, attacking), stop and pay attention to your motives: clarify what you really desire and define your behavior accordingly.
- Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.

How to stay in dialogue when you’re angry, hurt or scared
- Retrace your path: notice your behavior (what are you really doing), get in touch with your feelings (accurately identify the emotions behind your story), analyze your stories (question conclusions and look for other possible explanations behind your story), get back to the facts (distinguish between hard facts and the story you tell yourself)
- Watch for clever stories: victim, villain and helpless stories
- Tell the rest of the story: am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem? Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this? What do I really want? What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

How to speak persuasively, not abrasively
- Share your facts, starting with the least controversial from you path to action
- Tell your story, explain what you’re beginning to conclude
- Ask for others’ paths, encourage sharing facts and stories
- Talk tentatively, not disguising your story as fact
- Encourage testing, make it safe for others to express differing or opposing views


Heavy stuff, huh?

July 10 - Thankfulness

Sometimes I get bogged down in the negativity of life. It's true that I'm still physically recovering from cancer, facing another surgery and hospital stay, paying off medical bills, abandoned by my husband, in debt, managing living in my mother-in-law's house alone with three kids, and today was threatened with a major lawsuit at work. Yuck.

But really I have a lot to be thankful for. My kids are adjusting, and I appreciate what neat people they are becoming. I am blessed to share daily life with them.

I have a fantastic caregiver who loves the kids, brings peace and value to my home, and does laundry and dishes too!

I have an array of great friends who distract me, entertain me and challenge me regularly.

I have a loving and supportive family, all far away physically but only a phone call away.

I am part of an awesome church that helps me focus on what is really important and provides a safe learning and connection environment.

I have a secure job at a great place and can support my family - I think. I consider my co-workers and bosses friends.

I have the opportunity to design my reality. That's cool.

July 9 - Johnson 4th Review

The weather couldn't have been more perfect: clear, sunny, 70s & 80s. The kids actually stayed up for the fireworks over Garver Lake - first time ever and they have the mosquito welts to prove it. Everyone had fun together.

Practically the whole Johnson family was here: Scott, his brother & girlfriend, his sister and her ex-husband and their kids, his mom, his grandma, his dad and 2nd wife and their daughter, some cousins. They were all nice to me.

It still really sucked. I hated it. I don't plan to do it again.

July 7 - Sob Sob Sigh

Must. Stop. Crying.

It's embarrasing the children - even in our own home.

It's dehydrating and leads to crusty salty eye infections.

Must... Let... Go...

July 4 - Backsliding

All that well-intentioned self-growth I've been talking about for the last couple months? Gone. Spent the afternoon with Scott and most of his family. Felt like crap. I can't fake happiness and I can't just let it go.

Everybody else is fine, acting like life is normal. Like what's the big deal? Like there isn't even a need for a conversation about the giant elephant in sitting on my head and making me hyperventilate.

I feel like my life is destroyed; everything I invested in emotionally, physically and financially for the past 14 years invalidated by Scott's whim. Makes me want to scream obscenities.

It's messier than trying to clean up the Lego store in our basement! Am I the only one who sees that?

July 4 - Why People Quit

We give up on things all the time. We quit diets, exercise programs, smoking and magazine subscriptions. We walk away from church, careers and spouses.

Some of these things are bad for us and we need to give them the boot. Sometimes we just don't have the self-discipline to honor a commitment. I wonder why.

Someone pointed out to me once that in order to succeed in any endeavor, we have to set ourselves up so that the obstacle is not bigger than the reward. We have to be able to see beyond the immediate (groan) pain of getting up early to go to the gym. We need to be able to believe in a value for our effort that will outweigh the tough stuff.

I guess everything is a matter of perspective. I pray we will be able to see clearly to above and beyond, and know that it is worth it.