Crucial Conversations - Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High
by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Greny, Ron McMillan, Al Switler
I think this one is actually worth owning, and I'm in major downsize/use the library mode. Here are a few of my take-aways:
How do people stay in dialogue well (when stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions run strong)?
- Remember that the only person you can control is yourself.
- When you find yourself moving toward silence (masking, avoiding, withdrawing) or violence (controlling, labeling, attacking), stop and pay attention to your motives: clarify what you really desire and define your behavior accordingly.
- Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.
How to stay in dialogue when you’re angry, hurt or scared
- Retrace your path: notice your behavior (what are you really doing), get in touch with your feelings (accurately identify the emotions behind your story), analyze your stories (question conclusions and look for other possible explanations behind your story), get back to the facts (distinguish between hard facts and the story you tell yourself)
- Watch for clever stories: victim, villain and helpless stories
- Tell the rest of the story: am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem? Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this? What do I really want? What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?
How to speak persuasively, not abrasively
- Share your facts, starting with the least controversial from you path to action
- Tell your story, explain what you’re beginning to conclude
- Ask for others’ paths, encourage sharing facts and stories
- Talk tentatively, not disguising your story as fact
- Encourage testing, make it safe for others to express differing or opposing views
Heavy stuff, huh?
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